Spinsters and Lunatics: News and Views for Savvy Singles (January 2006)

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Rants and Raves, or a Word from Our Editor Starting Off on the Right Foot, or A Few New Year’s Resolutions This year, I intend to be a better correspondent. No more four-month stretches before I answer snail mail, and Spinsters get their new e-zine before they flip their calendars. (Or, at least, on the selfsame day. J) In fact, I intend to shape up in a lot of ways - like taking “enrichment” courses whenever I can afford it. (I’m already signed up for “Introduction to Hindi”, a five-week noncredit course through a local community college.) Lord knows I need to get out of the house, and classes/instructors/grades are notoriously successful at keeping me busy and on task. I intend to start taking care of myself, and if that means practicing Yoga for Chickens and shopping from Akins Natural Foods (or rather, their bargain bin), so be it. Lucks has recently developed a penchant for several 15-minute walks a day, which wouldn’t hurt either of us... I intend to develop a social life, complete with at least one clubbing venture per month. Now that I live in a city of 250,000 people and a handful of awesome venues, I really have no excuse not to dance the legs off every boy in sight. I intend to make new friends and genuinely cherish the ones I already have. If this should involve lengthy road trips and the odd trans-Atlantic flight, so much the better. (I already have the perfect mix CD!) I intend to actually finish one lengthy writing project this year. Not gonna promise it’ll be my epic Romantic novel; hoping it’ll be the epistolary fantasy but it might just be the first edition Spinster handbook. J Either way, it’s time and past I looked into finding a publisher - or an agent at the least - and I need at least one complete manuscript under my belt for even a breath of a chance in that department. I intend to go back to England. Might be for two weeks of backpacking/freeloading off generous UK-based friends whilst conducting research for said Spinster handbook. Might be for a swanky weekend of cocktails and photo shoots with our first real OBA of the Month. Might be for good. (!!!) Haven’t the slightest at this point, but I’ve got a stack of work abroad/expat books beside my bed just waiting to be cracked open and learned to the letter. I intend to make some practical use of the Bachelor’s Degree (liberal arts, vocal music major) for which I now pay tidy monthly installments. I’m already up to cantor at my new church this month, and surely my televised Soju gig with Odes will yield one opportunity for a future performance - maybe even the chance to record a song or two! (At our expense, of course, but still: wouldn’t it be fantastic to hear one’s voice, as crisply put to disc as any pop starlet’s?) I intend to begin seriously practicing mehendhi. I’ve already invested a snug chunk of time and money into learning the trade; the least I can do is spend an hour or two a week with my old cones till I can complete those full-palm bridal peacocks with ease and don’t have to take any designs out of my notebook when attending an event because I’m not up to that level yet. (Not to mention, mehendhi always turns out better when there’s a mug of strong tea at hand - which neatly relates back to the taking-care-of-self goal!) And finally, I intend to take this Spinster business very, VERY seriously. We’re bringing in folk through the website and various e-zine directories now; surely it’s only a matter of time before we have to hone our little monthly bulletin into a proper print magazine - to say nothing of developing the organization and maybe even opening a Convent or two! Well, you know what they say about a road paved with good intentions. J And maybe this’ll all amount to naught, like so many New Year’s resolutions before. But I’d like to think otherwise. I’m a little older now, a little bit wiser, and a little more certain of what I want out of life. And while conviction to a goal/goals has never guaranteed success, it owns a far better track record than wishful thinking. J  Your loving - and deeply ambitious - editor,            Elisabeth galateabyron@yahoo.com P.S. Okay, time to talk like a proper, capital-E Editor. There are a few changes to the newsletter/e-zine and website(s) of which I’d like to apprise you before we go much further. Firstly - and perhaps most obviously, though none of you may care - I have ceased choosing OBAs of the Month based solely on birthdays and have gone to profiling whoever’s been busy and especially visible at that point in time - hence David Tennant last month and ___________ in this issue. (You didn’t think I’d give it away this early on, did ya? J) Secondly, at the request of a friend from work (a boy, no less!), I have recently added a very rudimentary guestbook this site. Do hop back to the home page (Planet Spinster) and leave some feedback so it looks like we actually have members and fans! Finally, the OBA of the Year poll is now open at our Yahoo Groups page! (http:///groups.yahoo.com/group/spinstersandlunatics) And I know it’s a little after the fact, voting for the man of last year in January, but I wanted to wait till the last possible moment in case there were any breakthrough performances over New Year’s. J Vote early, vote often, and I’ll have the OBA of 2005 front and center in our February issue. (Well, figuratively speaking. I already have an OBA for that month so the winner may be sharing his limelight somewhat...J)
e-Picks, or Media Recommendations of the Month In which Odie admits who didn’t make the cut and Elisabeth discovers the Inverted 11-Year Period. And, as always, Nathaniel Parker is hot. J FILM: You know, there’s an inverse relationship between how much I like a movie and how easy it is to write the review. The more I love it, the harder it is and the longer it takes. Therefore, I hope you’ll forgive me for taking a month with The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. (After all, it took me FOUR months to review POTO, so really, this is nothing!) Narnia has quickly leapt to the top of my list of favorite movies of all time, and for no small reason. It was beautifully crafted in every detail (cast, sets, costumes, WETA creatures, score), it was largely faithful to the book, and dagnabbit, it made me cry! What more does a savvy Spinster need??? Let’s start with the flawlessly chosen cast. The on-screen Pevensies gelled perfectly with my mental images of them, especially Skandar Keynes as Edmund, whom I think I’ve always pictured as black-haired, and Georgie Henley, who was a perfect little doll as Lucy. And the elder siblings were fantastic as well; I simply didn’t have as great a preconceived notion for them to measure up to, as they never seemed quite as vital to the story as Lucy (who brings them all into Narnia and gets the ball rolling) and Edmund (who sends it all to hell in a handbasket). Tilda Swinton made a brilliant White Witch, as I knew she would after seeing her as Gabriel in Constantine. Her double-bladed choreography for the battle sequence was unreal; it made me want to hate her and be her all at the same time! And then you have James McAvoy, who, being much younger than I’d initially envisioned Tumnus-the-faun to be, was about to become my one and only casting complaint when Odes leaned over and whispered, “Is that James McAvoy?” I knew next to nothing about the rest of cast at that first viewing (though I can match a name from the credits with the first unrecognizable British face to cross the screen, thanks very much) and expected her to know even less, so I stared over and whispered back, “How the hell do you know that?” And she smiled and replied, as though it were the most sensible thing in the world: “I considered him for one of my dancers.” (A la White Christmas, for those of you who are really lost. The four slim, black-haired boys in catsuits, weaving gracefully about the elder Miss Haynes as she sings, “Love, You Didn’t Do Right By Me.”) And after that, it was like Homer Simpson licking the hallucinogenic toads; my pupils dilated to six times their normal size and I was in a deliriously happy place for the next two hours. (Okay, so it wasn’t quite that extreme. But something about James McAvoy having been a contender for the Catsuit Corps de Ballet made him especially appealing, even with the nose and the fur and the hooves. Finding out that I had liked him ages ago on Lynley - before I knew his name - only made things better.) As for the film itself, the original backstory (i.e., the Pevensie family in London during an air raid) actually had me in tears three whole minutes in: namely, the moment when Edmund runs back into the house to save the picture of their father, which was perhaps his most vulnerable “little boy” act in the entire film. He didn’t think about the danger of returning to a house under fire; he thought “Dad!” and nearly got himself killed in the process, and I actually wanted to smack Peter for yelling at him (if I could have just quit crying long enough to take aim). I also thought the echo of that scene - Tumnus’s raided house and the shattered portrait of his father - very powerful, though it took me two viewings to really make the connection. The scene where Lucy meets Mr. Tumnus at the lamppost is at once sweet and utterly magical - and one of my favorite moments in the film. Georgie and James have fantastic on-screen chemistry, which carries over into all of their scenes, but this one - being their first encounter - is special, and the delicate scoring beneath their dialogue  (I’m sorry in advance for this!) sounds like the most innocent of love themes. Of course, the score - and the film - continues at Mr. Tumnus’ house with the Narnian lullaby sequence, which  (I’m prostrate on the floor with apology for this!)  is eerie, ethnic, and just plain seductive - not necessarily in that way! - but it is deeply effective at its purpose, namely, lulling Lucy to sleep with its melody and the flame dancers it evokes. And the following scene - agonized-but-not-quite-ready-to-relent Mr. Tumnus admitting his plot to Lucy - is, I daresay, much more powerful than even Lewis’ original. McAvoy’s Tumnus is, for lack of a better word, more human than the original character, which is perhaps in some way thanks to his youth. It is - to me at least - far more believable that the White Witch would order a charming, comely young faun to lure in human children, as opposed to a doddering, middle-aged scholar of a faun who would have turned into a watering pot of tears at Lucy’s accusations. McAvoy’s Tumnus is darker than C.S. Lewis wrote him, but to my way of thinking, it makes him a far more interesting character, and it brings a deeper quality to his relationships with the other characters, especially Lucy. There’s a wonderfully poignant scene, not from the book (though: what’s come over me? I rather like these aberrations!), in which a fallen-from-grace Edmund meets the imprisoned Mr. Tumnus, who identifies the boy by his resemblance to Lucy (well, and he’s human; I suppose that helped). This encounter - the selfish boy and the faun whose life was destroyed because of him - sparks Edmund’s conscience to life, such that he later withholds information from the Witch at a nonverbal cue from the doomed faun. As far as scenes not involving Mr. Tumnus (there were some?!?) J, one of my favorites - and the other one that made me cry, both times! - was the arrival of Father Christmas. The score at that point is so “gorgeous Christmas moment” that, even before you see him, you get shivers, and once James Cosmo’s incarnation comes into view, you bawl. Really. It’s as though, if there really were a Santa Claus/St. Nick/Father Christmas (you mean, there isn’t??? Then who’s been eating my cookies for the last 25 Christmases?!?), that’s what he would look like: a little grizzled and earthy but very, very real. And I suppose I really ought to talk about Aslan. J I was not especially impressed with his animation (physical and digital) the first time I saw the film (though I definitely cried more), but by the second viewing I was absolutely in awe. His scene at the Stone Table was, despite the lack of blood, utterly brutal and terrifying, such that I worried for the kids in the audience and also couldn’t help thinking how horrific Christ’s crucifixion must have been on a spiritual level. (You knew Biblical allegory was gonna make its way in here eventually, right?) WETA outdid themselves with the Witch’s hideous minions, even more so than with Aslan’s centaurs and fauns (though they were cool too); I don’t know about the rest of the audience, but they scared me more than any Uruk-hai. And the battle (which needs a geographic appellation like “of the Pelennor Fields,” so I can call it something cooler than “the battle”) was, despite its bloodlessness, one of the most stunning of such sequences that I have ever seen. You don’t often get to watch battles of this scope in broad daylight, which made for a fantastic aesthetic contrast between the armies - Aslan’s/Peter’s being all rich reds and gold and white and the Witch’s being very dead colors: blacks, grays, and browns. The battle was also my favorite part of the score with its huge, breathtakingly glorious “heroic” theme, (I’m still trying to find a lyrical text for that piece; I could have sworn they were singing “Glo-ri-a” and Odes thinks it was “Nar-ni-a,” which makes more sense but sounds nothing like what is being sung. Anyhoo -), which makes several appearances during the militant bits of the film, including a brilliant slower rendition when Peter charges the Witch after she stabs Edmund. (Oh, sorry. Belated SPOILER!) Then, of course, we have the coronation (I’m really not SPOILing anything for you guys, right? I mean: y’all saw the animated version when you were little and read the book in grade school...?), which is the sort of “ending” you could only get from C.S. Lewis: “Yay, you’ve defeated the ultimate evil! You all get to be kings and queens!” And it’s not nearly as cheesy as it could be. But what I loved best from this bit of the film (yes, get ready to throw things) was the conversation between Lucy and Mr. Tumnus on the balcony as they watch Aslan quietly leaving Cair Paravel. (I mean, jeez! It even sounds like a corny medieval romance!) While this dialogue was given to Mr. Beaver in the book (here I go again with the adaptation aberrations!), I didn’t mind it falling to Mr. Tumnus in the film. He and Lucy have the closest relationship of any of the Pevensies and Narnians, and as Lucy is the most perceptive of the children, it makes sense that she would notice Aslan slipping away and that Mr. Tumnus would notice and console her. And finally, we have the Older Pevensies (heh heh heh) - the ones I don’t get arrested for liking! - hunting the White Stag, which - bittersweetly, in my mind - leads them back to the Wardrobe from whence they came. With the exception of Older Susan (who in her one or two lines sounds to have grown up rather brassy, though she is quite as beautiful as she’s supposed to be), I loved this small but vital bit of casting. Older Peter is exactly what Peter would have grown into, complete with a beard; Older Lucy (played, coincidentally, by Georgie Henley’s sister Rachael) is still delicately pretty, just a little taller; and Older Edmund is hot. He looks nothing like Original Edmund, mind, but he’s hot, so it’s okay. J Nah, just kiddin’. Older Edmund looks how a mature, wiser Edmund should look: kinder and happier, but still beardless. (Beards are only required for High Kings whose title includes “the Magnificent”.J) In short: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is, assuming you haven’t already guessed, the best film I’ve seen this past year. Maybe the best film I’ve ever seen. True to its text with all the right adjustments for a stellar translation into film, it is an outstanding piece of cinema that can be appreciated by anyone of any age, from fundamental Christians to your most cynical media moguls. And I can think of very few other movies - and certainly none as well-crafted - that are capable of pleasing such a wide demographic of viewers without so much as shifting a hair. DVD: Now, how on earth am I supposed to transist successfully from this beatific Narnia-is-good haze to a convincing rave about Nathaniel Parker’s physical pulchritude? (Which, by the bye, is the undisputed ugliest synonym for “beauty” that I have ever heard.) *sigh* Well, I’ll do the best I can, for all that my eyes and mind are full of younger lovelies. (James McAvoy and Mark Wells, ya sick freaks! You don’t seriously think I’m drooling over Skandar??? I mean, it’s not like being born in 1991 makes him my inverted 11-year period or anything...)                 In the miserable one week of December before Narnia, I happened upon a copy of the Masterpiece Theatre film Far From the Madding Crowd at our local branch of the library, and while I wasn’t immediately drawn by the story (even if it is probably the happiest thing Thomas Hardy ever wrote - according to Russell Baker, anyway), you just can’t pass up a period miniseries starring Nat Parker and Jonathan Firth. J So I checked it out, went home, and spent some four hours parked in front of Odie’s midget TV, watching the entire film in (essentially) a single sitting.                 Four hours later I was deliriously happy, for unlike certain other Hardy tales this one ends rather cheerfully, though you wouldn’t know it from the way things set out - or develop. And here’s the funny part!: in this movie, which was made a year after TNT’s David, Nat plays a shepherd - named Gabriel, thankfully - and falls in love with a woman named Bathsheba - who eventually marries someone else. (Odes’ response: “Does he ask for this?!?”) Anyway, it’s great. Nat has this wonderfully coarse, countrified accent and carries lambs on his shoulders, like Jesus in all those Good Shepherd paintings. J And when the sheep get into the clover (because he argued with Bathsheba and walked off the job and no one took over) and are all bloated and dying, he has to come back and pop them so they live. Really! (I know; it shouldn’t be funny, and yet...!)                 As far as plot, Far From the Madding Crowd is the intensely frustrating story of a proud, pretty young woman who breaks the hearts of two decent suitors and then marries the wanker (that’s Jonathan Firth, by the bye) who never loved her anyway. But it makes for a fascinating study in devotion, watching those jilted men. The staid “gentleman farmer” Mr. Boldwood (played by Nigel Terry, who, coincidentally, played Firth’s father in the Velveeta extravaganza known as Covington Cross) grows increasingly obsessed with Bathsheba till he hits a point of madness, while Gabriel Oak (that’s Nat) just patiently stands by, taking excellent care of her sheep and, eventually, her entire farm, all the while refusing to hear a word against her. Which is not to say he’s not in agony at her treatment of him, but he handles his emotions a sight better than the aforementioned Boldwood. And impossible though it may seem, especially as Act II grinds into new depths of misery, things really do work out for him in the end.                 Oh, and one last note, for those of you (like myself) who watch too many British miniseries and make irrelevant - but deeply amusing! - connections. A lovely blonde girl named Fanny Robin (played by the superb Natasha Little) runs away from Bathsheba’s farm on the night that Gabriel arrives, and they happen across each other in the woods. Which isn’t all that remarkable, except that in the same freakin’ year, Nat and Natasha (oh jeez) played Rawdon Crawley and Becky Sharp in the miniseries Vanity Fair (profiled in this column last month, by the bye). So I really couldn’t resist turning the sound down and adding my own dialogue (“Rawdon!” “Becky! What the devil are you doing here???” - that sort of thing) during their little 60-second encounter.                 And for those of you who aren’t madly obsessed with British period films and their leading men (though how you can rightly call yourself a Spinster without that characteristic is beyond me), we now have Joss Whedon’s Serenity on DVD! Yes, I know, the cover art is appalling, considering the fantastic movie poster, but the contents aren’t too bad. In addition to the superb film, you get a great blooper reel (“TRAP!”), several deleted scenes (no Mal and Inara lean-to, though there is a nice little dialogue between them as well a blooper clip from the scene we really wanted to see!), and all kinds of other goodies in which I haven’t yet had the chance to partake. Buy it now - plus a few extra copies for friends and family. It’s currently #3 in DVD sales on Amazon.com; let’s see if we can’t keep it there a while longer! MUSIC: For about three days I labored under the misconception (sponsored by Odie the Soundtrack Maestro, no less!) that the score of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe was ambient and unexciting. Then the sun came out, I purchased the CD for myself, and now, every single time I listen to it, I get the shivers! What’s more, listening to it now, I’m remembering things I can’t believe I forgot to mention in my review of the film, like the “Evacuating London” sequence (which made me cry at the second viewing). There is a tangible moment in the score that corresponds with the title appearing onscreen, and every freakin’ time I hear that, I get this waterfall of shivers down my back. It’s incredible.             Anyway, I’ve told you a fair bit about the score already that I don’t need to repeat (if you missed it: film is awesome; soundtrack is awesome; go buy it NOW!!!), but I did want to mention something that I just noticed in the final track, “Only the Beginning of the Adventure.” I don’t usually pay much attention to that piece, searingly beautiful though it is, as it comes right after - and is subsequently overshadowed by - the glorious battle score, so I was delightfully surprised to notice in this listening that the Tumnus-Lucy theme (or whatever it’s called; it first appears in “Lucy Meets Mr. Tumnus” so I made the assumption that it was “their” theme) returns in this piece, presumably for their conversation on the balcony. And that is followed by a mellower rendition of the “heroic” theme, which means - you guessed it! - grown-up Pevensies on horseback! (Another connection I’d failed to make before today! Some fan I am - and I was a music major to boot!)                 On the whole, this soundtrack is a very worthy inclusion for any listening library. While the “pop” songs (the final four tracks; almost a quarter of the CD) are a little needless, they are genuinely in keeping (through lyrics or music or both), with the score itself, so I suppose we can let ‘em slide. J  P.S. While it probably goes without saying, The Official Illustrated Movie Companion to The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is worth its weight in gold. Lots of great pictures and a panel-by-panel explanation of the wardrobe design. (It tells the full story of The Magician’s Nephew!!!) BOOKS: For those of you - like myself - who have been suffering serious Phantom of the Opera withdrawal this winter (in spite of all the beautiful young Brits currently frolicking across the big screen): help is on the way! Or rather, help has been around all this time in the form of an extremely hard to locate (but well worth the effort) novel: Susan Kay’s brilliant Phantom.                 I first took note of the book this past summer, when I was working at converting my Phantom dream (you know: daughter, Gestapo, kneecaps...) into a plausible fanfic and combing Amazon.com for resources. Kay’s novel was touted as the rare “must-read” for fans of Leroux’s classic tale and/or Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical, but as you could not purchase a (used!) copy for less than $30, I bumped the book over to my wish list and thought little more of it till this winter, when I was brainstorming for our fanfic contest. (Granted, I’m not allowed to win or anything, but it seemed a good idea to complete and polish up my Phantom ‘fic for inclusion in the anthology, at least.) To my surprise, Lincoln City Libraries does own a copy of this absurdly rare novel, so I requested it without hesitation and began reading it the moment I arrived at home with the book in my possession. Three days later I decided to put my fanfic on indefinite hold, because there is no earthly way my concept could ever rival the depth and finely crafted beauty of this novel. (Not that I won’t resume and finish it at some point before May, mind; I’m just currently stunned into inaction by the utter inequality of my pathetic little ‘fic.) And remember: I’m primarily a fan of the Gerry Butler Phantom; I’ve never cared much for Michael Crawford, I’ve never seen the “classic” Lon Chaney film, and I’ve read only tidbits (and summaries) of Leroux’s novel. So why was I utterly enraptured by a book woven about the threads of all of the retellings except Gerry’s (whose film came out more than ten years after the paperback reissue of this novel)? For one, it was masterfully done: accessible to the rawest newbies but with plenty of winks and nods to established fans who know - or think they know! - what’s to come. For example: early on, in Erik’s first narrative (the book is divided into chronological segments, each narrated either by Erik or by a character who knew and interacted with him), he is musing over the physical havoc he wreaked in his mother’s house and remarks - wryly, it seems -  that it was fortunate she did not have a chandelier. In the following segment, Giovanni, the kindly Roman master mason to whom the teenage Erik is apprenticed, observes that: “one day there would inevitably be the great commission, the glorious challenge to which he would give every ounce of his being and from which he could not bear to part; the beautiful, full-term child of his imagination that he would kill to possess.” Giovanni, of course, is thinking of an architectural construct; any reader knowing the end of this story is certainly thinking of something else. The tale is retold in such a fluid, wrenchingly emotional (but never weepy) manner that it is near impossible to set down, no matter in what mind you approached it. As I stated a moment ago, I didn’t especially care about the Phantom’s backstory; I wanted to hear about him and Christine and maybe what happened after - until I picked up this book and read how a facially disfigured child, despised and all but ignored by his beautiful, frivolous mother, grew steadily into a master of any art that caught his interest: music, masonry, architecture, ventriloquism, magic - even death and torture. How he traveled the world, garnering infamy and fortune at every port of call through his extraordinary talents - without ever knowing the love of another human being. When Christine arrives on the scene, one hardly knows whether to be elated, relieved, or deeply concerned, and Kaye’s retelling gives the reader a sound basis for any or all of those reactions. While that portion of the novel is hardly as glorious and romanticized as Lloyd Webber’s grandiose musical rendition, it portrays perhaps even more keenly Erik’s possessiveness of his greatest creation, as well as Christine’s utter inability to cope with that scale of passion. Kaye shows Christine as what she was (or what she would have been, were she a living, breathing figure of history): a somewhat immature and emotionally needy young woman of unique vocal prowess, in love with a charming young man who is in every way appropriate for her. She does nothing to elicit Erik’s desperate love and in the end is nearly driven mad by it. But we all know what happens at the end, don’t we? Christine agrees to marry the Phantom if he will spare Raoul; he spares them both and sets them free...However, thanks to Kaye we have a bit of an epilogue, perhaps not necessary and perhaps a deviation from the strictly retold tale, but which gives the story - and Erik’s lonely, meteoric life - some much needed closure. I didn’t see it coming and shan’t hint overmuch to spoil it for you; suffice it to say, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. As a final note: one of the novel’s most heartbreaking - and memorable - scenes takes place in the first segment of the book, which is narrated by Erik’s mother Madeleine. Upon being informed that it is his fifth birthday - the first he has ever been allowed to celebrate - Erik fumblingly asks his mother for something that should be commonplace and needless for a child to ask of a parent; horrified, Madeleine bursts into tears and orders him never to ask such a thing again. A few hundred pages later, Erik recalls this rejection as Christine offers herself in marriage to save Raoul’s life; however, this time he has not the words for the request - and yet he is not refused. And finally, since everyone seems to be in a list-making mood with the start of the New Year, allow me to present e Picks the Best Films of 2005! Cuz frankly, I’m a bit tired of the critics’ lists, comprised entirely of obscure, dodgy art house films - which will, no doubt, top the list of Oscar contenders. The best movies of 2005 are the ones that people - or, in this case, savvy Spinsters - LIKED, not the ones that only supremely erudite and/or politically controversial people even bother to see. And in my opinion, those best movies are:  7. Bride & Prejudice. Dammit, if they can show Brokeback Mountain in Lincoln, NE, why the hell couldn’t they show this blazingly colorful, totally inoffensive, perfectly delightful spin on a Jane Austen classic? I felt almost cheated having to watch this for the first time on DVD, especially in light of the huge trailers that played before every showing of Phantom of the Opera. Shame on you, distributors - and Douglas Theatres - for not bringing this film into the Midwest when it was ten times more worthy of a screen than the crap y’all threw at us for the past twelve months! 6. Stars Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith. A stunning final piece in Lucas’, er...trilogy times two? (Nobody’s yet given me a decent term for a six-film series, other than perhaps “saga”.) Yeah, there was cornball dialogue; yeah, Ewan McGregor annoys the hell out of me sometimes. But it was Star Wars as you’d never seen it: dark and brutal in a manner that was anything but gratuitous. And it intensifies subsequent viewings of Episode IV, V, and VI like you wouldn’t believe. 5. Corpse Bride. Believe it or not, you can fashion a pretty poignant romance between a puppet of Johnny Depp and a beautiful dead girl. Or, at least, Tim Burton can. J Extra props to Danny Elfman for one of his most exquisite scores to date. 4. Serenity. The Little Show That Could became The Little Film That *Almost* Could. And I rate it above Revenge of the Sith for a couple of very important reasons. Firstly, it didn’t have almost thirty years’ worth of a fanbase bombarding the theatres in Wookie masks and Vader tees. It wasn’t cool - ever. But the Browncoats poured their hearts and souls into every stage of the process, from getting the short-lived series onto DVD to making the movie to having it shown in theatres across the US - even in Lincoln, NE. J Talk about a labor of love! And secondly: the film itself was in a few crucial ways superior to the final installment of Star Wars. Joss Whedon’s writing is a thousand times more clever - and tender in turns - than Lucas’, to the extent that you actually want to know what they’re muttering under their breath in Chinese. (It’s gotta be a more exciting expletive than “Bantha poodoo”!) And Wash’s sudden brutal death at the hands of Reavers hurt a hell of a lot more than seeing smarmy Anakin burned alive in the lava floe. Way to go, little guys. J Here’s hoping for a sequel. 3. Dear Frankie. Truly, the sweetest little cinema creation of the year, with the most beautiful piano score I have ever encountered. And yes, I may be a smidge biased, as I had the good fortune to see the film while visiting Glasgow last February, but that bias in no way invalidates the film’s quality. The performances are spot-on and wonderfully understated, such that you almost feel invasive watching this slice from the life of a young mother and her deaf son. And it never hurts to see Gerry Butler as Sharon Small’s brother. J 2. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Best in the series so far, hands down. Dark, gripping, and gorgeous (and I’m not just talking about Dan Radcliffe, ya sick freaks!), with nary a false step. This one is worth every box office dollar. 1. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Do we even need to have this conversation? J What I’m working on for next month: North & South, the BBC Miniseries (airing 1 January)...Tristan & Isolde (which has apparently been moved up to 13 January for wide release - yippee!) ...Flightplan and Corpse Bride on DVD (24 and 31 January, respectively)  Coming Soon!!! The New World (assuming it ever gets to Lincoln)...Golden - the new fairy tale adaptation from Cameron Dokey (26 February)...Howl’s Moving Castle on DVD (supposedly 7 March!!!)...V For Vendetta (17 March)...The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe on DVD (slated for an April release!)...A new album from Nordic band Gjallarhorn (sometime this spring)...Sharpe’s Challenge (still TBA)...
OBAs of the Month: The Men of Narnia!   SKANDAR KEYNES - MARK WELLS - JAMES McAVOY - WILLIAM MOSELEY - NOAH HUNTLEY Okay, you really need to see this in print form, because the site does not allow me to put up lots of huge glossy pictures and there’s no other way to do justice to these five (primarily) British lovelies. If you’re at all intrigued, e-mail me and I’ll send you a hard copy - it’s worth every megabyte! Name: Skandar Keynes Birthdate: 5 September 1991 (Virgo) Corresponding Phase for OBA Enthusiasts: Baby Place of Origin: London, England Height: 5’3” (at the immediate moment) Hair: I’m gonna say very, VERY dark brown to black Eyes: Brown with this occasional glint of gold... Role in Narnia: Edmund Pevensie Name: Mark Jared Finlay Wells Birthdate: 14 September 1980 (Virgo) Corresponding Phase for OBA Enthusiasts: Peers of the Realm/Giddy Kiwi/Extreme “O” (apparently he’s a British citizen to boot, so I haven’t the slightest idea where to put him) Place of Origin: Auckland, New Zealand Height: 5’10” Hair: Brown Eyes: Green Role in Narnia: King Edmund the Just Also Known (in the 'Verse) For: the actor playing Romeo in Nicholas Nickleby  Name: James McAvoy Birthdate: 1979 - that’s it. No date. Apparently, he was never born. Or something. Corresponding Phase for OBA Enthusiasts: Peers of the Realm/Extreme “O” Place of Origin: Glasgow, Scotland (and don’t we know it!J) Height: 5’7” Hair: Dark Brown Eyes: Blue Role in Narnia: Tumnus the Faun Also Known (in the 'Verse) For: the ill-fated Gowan Ross from The Inspector Lynley Mysteries: Payment in Blood Name: William Moseley Birthdate: 19 September 1987 (Virgo) Corresponding Phase for OBA Enthusiasts: Baby Place of Origin: Gloucestershire, England Height: 5’11” Hair: Dark Blonde Eyes: Blue Role in Narnia: Peter Pevensie  Name: Noah Cornelius Marmaduke Huntley Birthdate: 7 September 1974 (Virgo) Corresponding Phase for OBA Enthusiasts: Suavies/Extreme “O” Place of Origin: West Sussex, England Height: 6’0” Hair: Dark Blonde Eyes: Blue Role in Narnia: King Peter the Magnificent Also Known (in the ‘Verse) For: the dashing gay lover from The Inspector Lynley Mysteries: Deception On His Mind Men of Narnia Links: The Official Film Site I’ve had a time and a half navigating this site with my pokey computer but it seems well worth a visit! (www.narnia.com) Die Chroniken von Narnia In German, but they’ve a superb gallery (which yielded most of the pix for this issue!) (http://www.narnia-chroniken.de) NarniaWeb Pix and other fun stuff, including suggested patterns for making your own costumes!  (http://www.narniaweb.com)
Open Forum, or the Monthly Free-For-All  Ooh. Let’s be inflammatory, shall we? Okay, this one comes from Odes so it’s bound to get results: what is one movie that absolutely everyone on earth loved except for you? I’ll be fortunate if I can narrow it down to just one, so I’m sure each of you can think of at least one shining example. (We’re savvy Spinsters, after all; our favorite films are the ones your average American has never seen - and I’m not talking about that dodgy art-house crap!) Answers by 31 January 2005, s’il vous plait.                                                                          *** Last month we asked about a painfully common holiday occurrence: what is the tackiest Christmas gift you have ever received, and how did you deal with the recipient (and the gift itself)? Here’s what a few of us had to say: “Over the years, I’ve received more than a few humdingers from a Certain Relative, but the worst of those would have to be the year she gave me a big garment box (the sort you get tissue-wrapped pretty clothes in, from JCPenny and the like); I opened it up and pulled out a pair of slinky black long-johns, complete with a bit of dangling thread from a damaged or unfinished seam. (This relative buys a lot of seconds and display models - cheap stuff.) Horrified, I turned and looked at my mom (sitting next to me), who quickly smiled and exclaimed, ‘Cuddleduds! Those look warm!’ Yeah, I was incapable of responding myself and was glad Mom was there or I probably would’ve thrown the long-johns back in Certain Relative’s face!” ~Elisabeth J. (editor), Lincoln, NE “It was not a gift but a Christmas card. I come from a ‘good’ German family. My aunt is the family record keeper. She keeps a ‘book of the dead’ that was common among some European cultures (maybe others as well). The book of the dead [consists of] photos of people in their caskets at funerals. It is a bit morbid, I realize, but it is some tradition. My dad had passed away in November. At the funeral, all the brothers and sisters of my dad posed around the casket for photos. Well, that family photo became my aunt's Christmas card that year. Very tacky.” ~Janna K., Grand Forks, ND “Elisabeth claims this is a bad thing, but I got a pair of earrings from my crafty sister-in-law maybe 2 or 3 years ago. She claimed to put a lot of effort into making these or buying them or whatever she actually did, but she didn’t quite realize that I DON’T have pierced ears (gasp!) nor have I ever had pierced ears. Beth says this is tacky. I couldn’t care less, cuz I just kinda put them somewhere and forgot about them.” ~Candace J., Lincoln, NE
"If" of the Month  It’s a question. It’s a game. It’s a journey.  Any cave-folk out there who don’t know how this works? (Not to worry - e-mail me and I’ll re-send the memo, no questions asked.) This month your Ifs are as follows: * If you could be on the cover of any magazine next month (besides this one J), which magazine would you want it to be, and what would the caption say? * If you were given $5,000 to spend in one store in the world, where would you do your shopping? * If you could retrieve one toy or stuffed animal from your childhood, which one would you recover? Deadline for replies is 31 January 2005. Last month’s replies!!!:  If you could have won a single thing you tried for in your life but didn’t win, what would it be? “A journalism competition that I participated in when I was in 8th grade.  My entry was graded and then promptly misplaced.  It was found later and had a very high score, so I would like to know if I would have won or not.” ~Elizabeth B., Fullerton, CA “I'm at a blank.” ~Janna K., Grand Forks, ND “Oh jeez. What don’t I wish I’d won? I tried for (and failed at) so many things, and my heart was in all of them...L But I guess, if I had to narrow it down to just one, I wish I’d been accepted into this Writing for Children program (I think it was the Institute of Children’s Literature; you know, the one that has the ads “We’re looking for people to write children’s books”). I applied when I was eleven and got my first-ever rejection letter because I was too young for their program. (You had to be fourteen.) I was just shattered by that, because I’d written a great little story for my submission and I don’t think they even read it; they just looked at my age and said ‘Too bad.’ So even though there was an extenuating circumstance - and it was probably a scam anyway - I lost a bit of confidence in my abilities. I believe if they’d accepted me, I would’ve written more, better, and sooner. I wouldn’t be (almost) 26 and still have not finished a single manuscript.” ~Elisabeth J. (editor), Lincoln, NE “I really wanted to be in Chamber Choir at Concordia.  I tried out and everything but didn’t get in.  Lucky for me (insert dry laughter), I got to be their accompanist.  Yeah, cuz playing the music is just like singing it.” ~Candace J., Lincoln, NE If you could completely redecorate any room in your house at someone else’s expense, what room would you choose and how would you redecorate it? “That would have to be my bedroom.  I need it to be an office, an artist's loft, AND a place to sleep, but I just can't seem to get it right.  I don't care how it would be redecorated, just so it would serve those three functions in such a small space.” ~Elizabeth B., Fullerton, CA “I would redo the kitchen. I would take out the ‘70s cabinets and mismatched appliances [and] would also reconfigure the layout a bit.” ~Janna K., Grand Forks, ND “Actually, I just rearranged my bedroom and am pretty happy with it...but I do miss my beaded curtains (they’re at Mom and Dad’s waiting for Mom to repair ‘em!), and I need more Christmas lights. Since this question doesn’t allow for me to be transplanted into a rose-covered stone cottage in England, that’s about all I can ask for. J” ~Elisabeth J. (editor), Lincoln, NE “I would like to do up my bedroom like Inara’s shuttle on Serenity.” ~ Candace J., Lincoln, NE If you had to select one movie sequel that was superior to the original, what would it be? “Meet the Fockers is much better than Meet the Parents.  Whoever had the idea of casting Barbra Streisand and Dustin Hoffman was a genius.  They sparkled onscreen.” ~Elizabeth B., Fullerton, CA “There are so many great sequels. I would have to say that Terminator 2 was superior to the original.” ~Janna K., Grand Forks, ND “Mmm...Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, based solely on the presence of young Tom Riddle, a  la Christian Coulson.” ~Elisabeth J. (editor), Lincoln, NE “Hah!  I got a really good one!   Star Trek II totally kicked V*ger’s butt in Star Trek:  The Motion Picture.  Plus, Ricardo Montalban - how can you go wrong??? ~Candace J., Lincoln, NE
What's On In the Spinster Universe 1 January - HAPPY NEW YEAR! Second Grimm Brother (and Giddy Australian) Richard Roxburgh turns 44. And if you’re lucky enough to get BBC America, check out the new-ish (2004) miniseries North & South, airing this evening. We know nothing about it save that the leading man is pretty hot (and the girl is Janey from My Family), but what else do ya need? 9 January - Marco Sanchez (hey, seaQuest is on DVD now! He’s cool again!) turns 36. Also, Elisabeth starts Hindi classes at SCC in Lincoln! 13 January - Lucky’s dad, Orlando Bloom, turns 29, as does fellow OBA William Ash. Tristan & Isolde (yah, I know the leads are dull, but Henry Cavill’s in there somewhere!) opens in theatres nationwide. 17 January - Meredith’s favorite eye candy, Naveen Andrews (Lost), turns 37. 22 January - Happy 27th Birthday Stacey!!! 24 January - For those of you utterly desperate for a Sean Bean fix: Flightplan comes out on DVD. 28 January - Stacey’s favorite eye candy, Elijah Wood, turns 25. 29 January - Almost-Baby Grimm Thomas Jane turns 37. 30 January - Everybody’s favorite Welsh superhero (sorry, Ioan!), Christian Bale, turns 32. 31 January - The extended deadline for “Fall into Faerie Tales”; all reading lists and votes for best book are due on this date. Once you’ve submitted them, hop on down to your local Wal-mart and buy Corpse Bride on DVD! **DON’T FORGET: Our 1st (Annual?) Original* Fanfic Competition is up and running, so dust off those premises and get crackin’ on your stories! I’m looking forward to compiling an awesome anthology this summer! Kudos... (which just go to show you that Spinsters lead far more exciting lives than our married counterparts)  ...to Candace and Elisabeth, for being recognized at their respective workplaces for their most recent Metro Show gig! (Extra kudos to Elisabeth for making good on some of those latent ambitions and signing up for a class in Hindi - and to Candace for directing another fantastic Christmas program at Trinity!) ...to Elizabeth and Janna for sharing their New Year’s resolutions (seen below). You ladies are truly an inspiration!  Elizabeth’s Resolutions: 1. FINALLY get my passport. 2. Take Travel/Tour Operator classes. 3. Buy a car. 4. This is more along the lines of wishful thinking - buy a home!  Janna’s Resolutions: I have decided to become a healthier person. (I was really prompted by a breast lump I had a couple months back. It is OK, just a fibroid, but I was freaked nonetheless.) I have given up caffeine and have been working out 5 days a week; I plan to continue this in the New Year. I want to take Yoga to help with my relaxation needs. This summer I am planning a white water rafting trip that will help me on the crusade against my fear of water. So my resolution is to become a healthier person by developing my body and my emotional being. **Spinster EventS!** Mark your calendars, Nebraska-based Spinsters: Friday, 3 February is Your Editor’s 26th birthday - an unpleasant milestone, to be sure, but plenteous celebrations are in the works! If you are at all free that evening, consider joining us! At the moment, plans range from fast food and a movie to club-hopping; call (402) 641-3335 or e-mail galateabyron@yahoo.com if you’re interested and we’ll give ya all the details!